Friday, June 25, 2004
Jack Ryan (R-IL) just gave up his run for a senate seat. The Chicgao Tribune opened up his divorce decree and found that he took his wife to sex clubs all over the world. And that's a BAD thing? Wow! It's just what I am looking for!
Plus he looks good with curly black hair and although he's a multimillionaire, he took a job as a teacher at a tough inner-city school. Admirable.
In the last few days I was all about telling peeps that I was going to vote for him. They were too. He would have stole some Dem votes.
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Don’t Tick Me Off
It was huge, about the size of an M & M peanut, and blue, actually a bluish gray like designer’s call Federal Blue, and had tiny legs, six of them so it had to be an insect, not an arachnid. It lay there on it’s back unable to upright itself no matter how fast those teeny dirty yellow legs churned. It did get the rear up, still not enough hydraulics.
My brother had spilled it out of an old prescription bottle onto a bench. He asked, “Now what kind of bug is that that it can’t even upright itself? Why would God create such a thing? How could the species survive?, he paused, Do you know what it is?”
It looked impossible, but there are many impossible-looking animals like dashhounds that often get broken backs from the too long body on little stumpy legs, a daddy longlegs walking on stilts, and how does a walrus eat with those tusks?
I have read Darwin’s book on plants and have first-hand experience with the magic of hydraulics.
I didn’t have a clue.
It’s a tick, an engorged tick.
Oh god, my stomach flip-flopped.
So that is what started my investigation into tickworld.
Ticks do not, as commonly believed, live in trees. They are only on the ground, hanging out in leaves. They can’t fly either. They do walk a lot though, so you can find three of them wandering around on the screen door as I did out at the Mississippi bluff house.
Watch out here he comes>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
First the tick emits a cement so she will stay attached, then she adds an anticoagulant so the blood flows freely, and a spritz of antihistimine so it doesn’t itch or you would know she is there and scratch her off. There was one other ingredient but it slipped my mind.
Now she sits there attached to you, a parasite. She’s just hanging out.
Two days later comes the BIG SIP.
Now the tick is fully engorged. Realize the original tick could be no bigger than a pinpoint and now it’s HUGE. Then it falls off.
Now it prepares to produce LOTS of baby ticks waiting for your next walk in the woods.
So basically my brother wore that ugly tick for 2 days! EEK! It fell off on the carpet in the bedroom.
Ticks are not only grimy little parasites, they are dangerous. They carry disease. Wood ticks aren’t too bad (those are the large brown ones.) But deer ticks (the pinpoints) carry Lyme disease. I think they were first discovered in Lyme, Connecticut hence the name.
Basically they can kill you. You can have the disease for a long time before you know it. Look for a red circle, that’s a clue. But there may be no clues beyond muscle ache and then one day you can walk.
If you find a tick attached to your flesh, take a fine tweezers, grab the head and pull out slowly and precisely.
If you have a deer tick engorged and laying on your bedroom carpet, get antibiotics.
If you are a morel hunter like me, you need to take precautions. Wear camo clothes, they are thick, and pull your socks up over the pant bottoms. Spray with tick spray.
Happy hunting!
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Monday, June 21, 2004
I, Robot (thanks Asinov!)
They have a certain patina. I don’t mean that ghostly white acquired by spending too much time stuffed in a cubicle. Do you know how true believers have a patina of unnatural softness? Well these folks have their own patina, one I would liken to being pale and half-formed, a spray-on tan wouldn’t help.
So last Saturday night when I went up to the bar I wasn’t expecting to be a participant in a suburban nightmare.
We were met at the door by two large Mr. T-like dudes who were asking the 50-something couple in front of us for IDs. The man complied but the woman balked saying, “I am over twice 21. Do you really think I am underage?” One of the men stated that EVERYONE must show ID. I guess that was to keep terrorists out.
The place was full. A stagnant band played to a group of blank-faced robots. Cubicle people. It was scary.
My pal ordered a black & tan. He got it in a plastic cup. Were we at a pool party? Did the owners think the cube people would all of a sudden go ballistic and start a fight?
This was a hot bar before it’s recent change of ownership. Now it catered to Stepford wives (I swear a woman in a flowery top with lots of ruffles stiffly sat at a table in front of us.) and their Trump-wannabe husbands. The tip off was asses that spilled over the stools and that look that was disconnected. Robots.
I am a robot too. Just in a different way. And now I will get off the computer so my ass doesn’t keep growing sideways.
Later.
Back.
We left that bar. I guess what perturbed me was that we spent $10 each on cover, another $15 on drinks and stayed maybe 15 minutes. I think they should have warning signs like ALL REBELS KEEP OUT! I might have obeyed it.
So we went to the other town bar. This one too had new owners but yippee it was someones 50th b-day party and the band ROCKED. The guitar licks were giving me goosebumps and peeps were dancing and shared pizza with us and the girls were beautiful, glowing, and the men were the kind you would like to fuck. The energy was full, breathable, and magnetic!
“RIDE SALLY RIDE”
A good night.
Confession: I am sorta a fake cube person. I write. Here. My ass strapped to this chair. I will do ANYTHING not to wind up in a corporation. I do sell to them though. Words. Not my soul.
The three laws of Robotics:1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm2) A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
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uff-da!funny story coming soon, let the rain continue
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